Strong boundaries are a tool for healing chronic illness

  Creating strong boundaries can help you heal

Chronic illness (in my case, late-stage Lyme disease) can be a terrific education in creating strong boundaries. Illness can bring clarity to the unconscious ways we lose energy – and can teach us to build a good, strong container to take care of ourselves.

Saying “no”

Boundaries can be obvious – like learning to say no when you’re tired and it wouldn’t be healthy to push. Isn’t it a bit shocking how difficult this is? Saying no feels vulnerable.

We’ve absorbed the unconscious message that we’re supposed to be all-powerful goddesses of energy and accomplishment. And sometimes, the people in our lives don’t want to hear the word no. For many of us, learning to say no when we need to is one of the hardest lessons of a healing path.

Letting go of emotional responsibility

Another way we can lose energy is through unnecessary emotional labor. Empathetic people often feel it’s our job to make other people feel comfortable. We can over-empathize; taking on another person's stress in our own bodies. Women in particular are culturally rewarded for this kind of emotional labor, and it’s exhausting. Chronic illness makes this more than clear.

I work with private bodywork and movement therapy clients. If my emotional boundaries are weak, I get tired after a session. Before Lyme disease, I could just power through, and I did – probably to the detriment of my immune system and adrenals. Now, I have to create clear boundaries. This is one reason I consider Lyme disease a spiritual teacher.

Here are some of my favorite ways to keep boundaries strong.

Build awareness of internal stress

Most of us habitually check out of our bodies at the first sign of stress or anxiety, and act unconsciously to try to “fix” the difficult feelings. We try to fix them by laughing nervously, by talking, by shutting down, or with physical habits like fixing our hair or clothes.

These little habits of avoiding discomfort can be exhausting for someone with chronic illness or Lyme disease, primarily because they don’t work. The stress remains. Repatterning our stress response and creating healthier habits is basically a lifelong, somatic meditation practice – and though it isn’t easy, I highly recommend it. It starts with simple awareness.

Stay in your body when things get uncomfortable

Just becoming aware of your own internal stress and anxiety is a radical act of self-care. What does stress feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? Does it move and change? Does it have a color? Resist the urge to fix it; just be still and observe.

As you practice observing stress in your body, bring your breathing into your awareness. How does your breathing change when you’re anxious? What happens if you deepen your breathing? What happens if you do nothing else – say nothing, do nothing – except deepening your breathing?

In my experience, this simple self-acceptance and awareness practice gives me power. I don’t have to blindly thrash around (even invisibly, internally) trying to make my experience comfortable again, causing myself more anxiety and exhaustion in the process. I can just stay with my experience, and breathe. (Those darn Buddhists were onto something.)

“Clearings" set the intention for strong boundaries

I see a medical intuitive who performs a spoken clearing before and after each session. She inspires me. She uses this intention to set her boundaries, and to prepare a clear space for her work. I’ve changed her words a bit to suit myself, and you can do the same.

I repeat this intention in my head before and after private sessions with clients, or if I'm about to ask my husband to start washing more of the dishes, and I know he's going to be annoyed. I say it before long or boring social events – wherever I might perform unnecessary emotional labor. Here is my version:

“I won't absorb anything from you, and you won't absorb anything from me. Feelings, patterns, energies, what is known, what is unknown: nothing. Just a clean observation and a warm heart.”

If you have less time (and are in less of a generous mood), I also find reminding myself “It’s not my job to fix this, everyone’s on their own path” extremely helpful, at times when I might be tempted to overwork emotionally.

Create your own clearing intention, and see where it leads you.

The takeaway

Saying yes to your body and soul means saying no to things that feel like a drain – and that includes unnecessary emotional labor. Using self-love, awareness, and clearing intentions can help change your habitual stress response. Other adults can usually take care of themselves! If you need support, try my Calm Stamina meditation for adrenal strength. It should help bring your energy home.

 Thank you for reading! The light within you is bright and strong,

Shona